Flight Announcements

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All too rarely, airline attendants make an effort to make the in-flight "safety lecture" and their other announcements a bit more entertaining. Here are some examples that have been heard or reported:

bulletOn a Continental Flight with a very "senior" flight attendant crew, the pilot said, "Ladies and gentlemen, we've reached cruising altitude and will be turning down the cabin lights. This is for your comfort and to enhance the appearance of your flight attendants."
 
bulletOn landing the stewardess said, "Please be sure to take all you belongings. If you're going to leave anything, please make sure it's something we'd like to have."
 
bullet"There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane."
 
bullet"Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride."
 
bulletAs the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Washington National, a lone voice came over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella. Whoa!"
 
bulletAfter a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, a flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced, "Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, certainly everything has shifted."
 
bulletWeather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but we'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than Southwest Airlines."
 
bulletAnd from the pilot during his welcome message: "Delta Airlines is pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry. Unfortunately, none of them are on this flight ..."
 
bulletHeard on Southwest Airlines just after a very hard landing in Salt Lake City: The flight attendant came on the intercom and said, "That was quite a bump, and I know what y'all are thinking. I'm here to tell you it wasn't the airline's fault, it wasn't the pilot's fault, it wasn't the flight attendant's fault ... it was the asphalt!"
 
bulletAnother flight attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: "We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal."
 
bulletPart of a flight attendant's arrival announcement: "We'd like to thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you'll think of US Airways."
 
bulletOn a Southwest flight leaving St. Louis, we sat in the plane while it idled, waiting for clearance to enter the runway. We had been sitting there for about five minutes, when a flight attendant at the front of the plane picked up her microphone and called to the attendant at the back,

“Hey Jenna!”

A reluctant response came, “Yes, Stacy?”

“Jenna, do you know how to keep a flight attendant in suspense?”

“No, Stacy, I don’t. How do you keep a flight attendant in suspense?”

After about twenty seconds of silence, applause and laughter began throughout the cabin. Jenna then added,

“Nice one, Stacy.”
 

bulletAfter a particularly rough landing, our chief flight attendant said,

"There can be NO DOUBT that we have landed at Ronald Reagan National Airport."
 

bulletOn one of my recent flights, an attendant said the following,

"Here at Southwest, we flight attendants get up real early and go to the airport so we can sign up for a flight with the most handsome pilots. When you are departing the aircraft, look in the cockpit and you'll see that today we slept late."
 

bulletFlight Attendant: "Please make sure to keep you seat belts buckled while you are seated as the plane is going to go really, really fast."

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To these tidbits, let me add two of my own:

A number of years ago I did quite a bit of work for British Airways. While they are notoriously stingy about Concorde tickets, occasionally a trip on the supersonic plane could be arranged. Contrary to what you might think, the Concorde isn't exactly luxurious. It's small overall and, although the seats are first class size, it's still claustrophobic and, if you think about the fact that this little tube is about to fly very high and very fast, a bit intimidating.

On one particular flight the pilot was of the excessively chatty nature. The entire quick trip from Washington to London had been accented with observations and various commentary. As the plane prepared to land at Heathrow the pilot decidedly overdid his remarks. He explained, in a very proper British "public school" accent,

"Now, you may observe that, as Concorde lands, we come in fairly fast. This is normal, as this is a supersonic aircraft and we don't have much control if we don't come in fast."

To generally nervous travelers such as myself, you can imagine how reassuring this was ...

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I was on a Continental flight departing Houston. It was a full flight and a very hot day. There were countless delays of one mechanical or air traffic sort after another. After over two hours of sitting at the gate had passed, it finally seemed as though the plane was about to leave. My joy was short-lived, however, as a cabin attendant announced that another delay would occur while we awaited delivery of the meals that were schedule for that flight. Anyone familiar with the character of airline cuisine knows how dismal a prospect this was.

Immediately after this announcement, however, a large black man, seated near the front of the plane, arouse and addressed the assembled company. In true evangelical tones and with fist raised in the air he proclaimed,

"We don't need these meals!"

With one voice the congregation responded,

"No!"

The flight departed, sans meals, within five minutes.